I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize