i permit you to call me
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
