I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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