I can't watch pbs sober anymore
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
