dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize