i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
