I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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