clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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