its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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