Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
