he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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