My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We are two peas in an std pod
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
