i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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