Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
