You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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