It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
