I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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