i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
