Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
