I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize