I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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