Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
