and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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