wrigley field is MILF paradise
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
