I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
