Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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