Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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