people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize