I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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