My friends, they love my intelligence
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
