Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
