She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
