Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
