Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
