So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
