So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
