I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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