apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
