i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Sorry about my life...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
