Little spoons don't ask big questions
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
