My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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