i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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