Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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