I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
