I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
