I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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