I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Randomize