I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
