I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I touched a dick in church today
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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