So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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