Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize