Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
