I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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