i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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