Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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