the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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