Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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