I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
