apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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