so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
